Mar 29, 2011
Every day, it’s a reminder of my lost right to being vulnerable. I feel like a lioness who hunts and makes sure that the cubs are fed, safe and that, through playfulness, learn the skills for their future hunts and life in the world out there. I am carefully scrutinised by three small human beings – the way I talk, the way I carry myself, the way I hold my knife and fork, all is absorbed and mimicked.
I can’t swim and every time my kids are near a pond, in a nanosecond I have already acknowledged to myself that I would jump no question, which is a really dumb thing. Best if my friend Mandy gets in, she knows how to handle the water better than me. Why don’t I just learn how to swim? Lack of time is the answer. That’s another thing that rules my life as a mother – I have no time anymore!
You try to teach a person how to walk, not to pick the nose, how to use the potty, how to evaluate risks when jumping from a slide, not to steal raisins from other people’s buggies, sharing, kindness, how to have a bad day and still be happy, help those who need, how to be a trustworthy friend and partner, integrity, and that’s pretty much it for the day, so no surprise if I sleepwalk by the time it is 8pm. This is a job of titanic proportions, it tests your abilities and your limits relentlessly. And, yet, it’s all diffused into a bubble when I watch the kids (not just mine) grow in front of my eyes. I see them smile, and I feel reconnected to Mother Earth and feel happy for having added my three bundles of happy molecules into the biological chain of life.
There are so many words to describe what it means to be a mother, but the first thing that struck me was that everything suddenly made sense. All the previous analysing, and over-analysing or stresses of before suddenly disappeared and seemed petty and insignificant in comparison and everything just fell into place. The unconditional love I felt was easy, the overwhelming protection I felt was scary (I suddenly realised I was capble of murder if anyone harmed my child!) and the sense of incredible achievement – ‘ We made this perfect being’. And although it isn’t easy from an emotional perspective (constantly worrying if they are sick or if they will come to harm, if you are doing the best for them, etc), there is nothing like creating a little human and nurturing them, loving them and trying to give them the best tools and values to be the best they can be, whilst allowing them to live their dreams and not yours. It is the epitome of love and happiness.