With Father’s Day right around the corner, I asked my husband what it means to him to be a father.  For our son Enlai, this is for you, from your pa.  The bit about “to be on time” – I can only say that your pa has put the “late” back in “fashionably late”, often missing the entire event.  When it comes to being on time, follow his words, not his example.

To Be a Mensch

When I was asked by my wife to contribute to this meditation on fatherhood, I said I would do so if forced – a response which was met with the inevitable rejoinder “Consider yourself forced.”  So here ‘tis.

Fatherhood to me is, to a large extent, the art of finding a great mother for your child, something I had the great fortune of doing in my case.  Being a male, with an inherent yen for brevity of thought and the laconic statement, my inquiry, and my contribution, could end there, but I get the sense I have been expected to probe deeper.  And, to be fair, my empathy for Mies van der Rohe aside, I, too, sense that I should provide, and am capable of providing, further insight into this profound, esoteric and highly important subject.

Fatherhood, to me, is like falling off a couch – something that, even with the best of intentions, is very difficult to do well.

For my beautiful three-year old son (soon to be four), my sweet and gentle Enlai who loves to fill the minute with 60 seconds run, I have endeavoured, and shall continue to endeavour, to recognize, cherish and repeat everything that my father (and, for that matter, my dear old mum) did right – and to put the kibosh on all the rest.  Along these lines, I shall, throughout Enlai’s years and mine, strive to offer up, share with and instill in him the following jambalaya of thoughts, exhortations, purported insights and a couple of notes to self:  that to succeed in life one needs wisdom and that wisdom comes from good judgment and that good judgment, alas, often comes from having exercised bad judgment; that Picasso was on to something when he said he wanted to live like a poor man with lots of money; to never decline a wedding or a funeral invitation – even from or for someone disagreeable – for to do so would be very poor form indeed; to lend a hand; to eschew hatred (for anything more than mild dislike is a complete waste of time and energy); before criticizing someone, to realize that he/she may not have had all of the advantages in life that he has had, but if he/she has, well, then, okay, fair enough to slip in an elbow or two whilst passing by; to be a good cook and a good eater and to know that there are few things in life better than sharing a great meal with a great friend; to be a bon vivant; to realize that women, who have the gift of giving life, are thankfully, and extraordinarily, different from men and are to be loved, revered and celebrated for these differences; to be good to his mother; to always tell the truth (for, amongst other things, it’s easier to remember); to take off his hat when a woman enters a lift; to be a free thinker; to travel (and enjoy the journey as well as the destination); to let him know that I love him and will always have his back; to hold the door open and to say thank you when someone holds the door open for him; to not even think about taking the lift at John Lewis or Selfridges when he has good use of his limbs (take the escalator and leave the lifts for the elderly, parents with prams and the physically challenged); to relish a challenge (and a hot dog); to place a premium on learning and education; to be discreet; to pounce on the opportunity to live and work in different cities and different countries; to never stop exploring; to be on time (and to know that time is the most valuable thing you can take from a man); to have a love and appreciation for words, domestic and foreign; to be a mensch; to stand up for himself and others; to realize that the surest way for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing; to keep a cool head and sometimes lose it; to teach him expressions like GIT (get it together) and TCB (take care of business) and let him know that, when the going gets tough, the only thing to do in life is man-up, GIT and TCB; to grow old gracefully; to be tolerant, brave, thoughtful and sincere; to work hard; to realize that self-love is not so vile a sin as self-neglect; to question everything always (and not just to be precocious or a pain in the arse); to realize that, even after all these years of human evolution, after diplomacy has failed, the only remaining effective solution is often, alas, a swift hook to the rib (and any rib will do); to be a man; to be especially kind to the elderly, children and animals; to be inspired and to inspire others; to read books made of paper; to watch all of the films in my and ma’s movie collection and realize that even the bad ones are in there for one fairly good reason or another; to be a gentleman; to savour the moment; to avoid the self-righteous tone unless he truly feels indignant about something and then, well, fair enough, to use it; to stand up to bullies; to listen and dance to all genres of music; to avoid motorized transport if he can walk to his destination in 30 minutes or less; to give blood; to perpetrate acts of random kindness; to realize that a blow upon the back that does not break the back makes the back stronger (and the same can be said of a broken heart); to be a good lover; to understand the value and importance of courtesy, civility, trust and hard work; to forgive but never forget; to have at least one good friend; to persevere; to look before he leaps (which is not to say don’t leap); to share kind thoughts; to have balls, common sense and integrity; to speak his mind and his heart; to look people in the eye when speaking to them or shaking their hand; to never let the bastards get him down; and, perhaps above all, my sweet Enlai, to laugh, to be kind and strong and to love and be loved.