My cousin Ileana is my greatest friend, and on this US Mother’s Day, I feel compelled to remind her.  We’re only a few years apart, but despite such a small gap, she’s been a surrogate mother to me from the time we were knee-high to grasshoppers and other unmentionable insects.  She was my partner in crimes related to hula hoops, ice cream trucks, and two-hand touch football in the street.  We were two young girls who would walk to school together on a bridge over a freeway.  Two young girls who spent one too many nights with intoxicated parents at Shakey’s Pizza.  Two young girls who, during those sticky summer days at our granny’s, found someone to rely on in each other.

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for Ana, and she’s already proven she’d do anything for me.  She’s given me shelter from torrential downpours of the figurative variety and strong cups of pragmatism when I’m skipping and jumping toward the deep end.

 Despite a lack of support and encouragement, as a single mom to two boys, Ana somehow managed to earn two degrees from two of the best colleges in the US and is now a teacher.  She’s opinionated, intelligent, and beautiful.  

She understands being there, really being present.  And my goodness does she make me laugh.  

We live in different countries now, and I miss her terribly.  My son and I had the fortunate opportunity to spend a lot of time with Ana over several months last year, going to Disneyland, Discovery Science Center, Natural History Museum, Huntington Library, Skirball Cultural Center, Museum of Contemporary Art, and the beach, among many other places.  She introduced my son to some of life’s most important pleasures – Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, sour candy, and beignets covered in powdered/icing sugar.  When we sat on the beach at sunset, eating chili powder on mango and cucumber slices, I never wanted to leave.  Just reminiscing about this time breaks my heart a bit.  It makes me wish I could call her and ask her to come around for a glass of wine because as she says in her infinite wisdom, “sometimes mama needs a drink.” 

When Ana’s elder son Bryon went off to college, she wrote the below words – The Mommy Manifesto – and I want to share it with you.

The past few months have been a blur for me.  I’ve watched as my first son, my big baby, got his first girlfriend, went to his prom, graduated from high school, and moved into his first dorm room what feels like a million miles away.  I would love to say I went through it all while maintaining poise but honestly that wasn’t always the case. We, or really I, had my blow-ups and breakdowns and they really haven’t completely ceased. 

When I became a mom at such a young age I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  All I knew was I wanted to give my child, and then a couple years later my children, a decent, healthy, and as close to “normal” life as possible.  That normalcy, to me, meant going to school and furthering my education in order to open my (and in turn their) options.  Although I recently have questioned every parental choice I’ve made, I am pleased with the fact that my children were raised on college – might I even say the best college – campuses and were exposed to a lifestyle that I, at their age, had little idea existed.

Over the past few months many people have congratulated and even praised me for my son Bryon’s accomplishments.  The truth is I am honored, truly HONORED, to be his mother.  It’s hard not to become religious or at least spiritual when I think about it.  I truly believe my boys were God-sent.  I’ve heard many scary stories from parents of teenagers.  Not once has Bryon or Devyn argued with me or talked back to me.  God sent!  Bryon has never been blatantly disrespectful to me.  God sent!  And we end every major conversation with “I love you” even when we disagree on certain choices he has made.  Truly, God sent!  Okay, so maybe the last one sounds like a marriage. (Oh no, not what I meant, nothing creepy.)

Actually, when Bry was born I did truly fall in love with him.  It’s indescribable, my connection to both Bry and D.  This is something I don’t see often.  It could be that it’s a private connection between parent and child, and I have seen it recently with Lisha and Enlai.  I remember every year talking to parents who couldn’t wait for school to start to get their children out of their hair, and I remember feeling sad and worried, sad that they were growing up and worried that the other germy, dirty kids would make them sick or corrupt them.  In my eyes they were perfect.  My love for Bry continued to grow and evolve as he got older.  On the pitch, the court, the sand, and the field, I was always his biggest and sometimes loudest fan.  Not that he had a choice, but he never seemed to mind me being there.  The truth is we always hung out together, the three of us, going to movies, amusement parks, Vegas, wherever we could afford.  There’s no one I’d rather be with than my two boys.  Don’t be mistaken though.  As in love as I have been and as much time as we have spent together, we have always had a clear relationship.  I am the parent, and they are the children.  This is something which I’m happy to say I’ve only occasionally had to remind them.

Another question I’ve recently heard is, “How do you do it, raising two boys on your own?”  My only answer is you just do it.  I live day-to-day and handle each challenge as it comes.  So those times I may seem distant or even aloof, please know that I’m not being snooty.  I’m just handling my parental business, keeping it all together and doing what I have to for my boys and myself.

Over the summer I tried to give Bry a little more freedom.  I told myself, “He did graduate. Maybe he should be able to go out two days in a row…”  Of course I still had to know exactly where he was all the time, but he was and still is underage for Pete’s sake.  I thought that maybe it would help me get used to the quiet but it’s palpable and looms over our home.  As much as I bug D, it’s just not the same without Bry here.

Driving him out of state, and then home without him, was the hardest thing emotionally I’ve ever had to do.  I’ve been a fighter and survivor for so long.  I think I have a handle on anger and frustration but loneliness, sadness and a broken heart are not as easy.  For some reason, going for a run or to the gym doesn’t help those emotions.  It’s crazy how reflective I became during those few days.  I questioned every choice made.  Should I have moved them around so much? What if us being so close makes it harder for him to survive on his own?  What if he resents me for encouraging him to go to a school out of state?  They were endless, the questions.  With the questions also came regrets.  I shouldn’t have sheltered him so much.  I should have been a better advocate for his primary education.  It seems as though my culture (and I don’t just mean Latina with a little Filipina but more of my family culture) emphasized parenting as teaching my children to be respectful and obedient and putting teachers in charge of teaching.  I trusted their teachers to handle their education and made sure they were well-behaved boys.  The regrets and questions were never-ending – at least for the six-hour drive home. 

The truth is we are so close.  I would often tell him and D that we were a team, and we all had to pull our weight to make our team succeed.  These discussions came when he began slacking with his studies.  Those were some tough times.  I considered sending him out of the state or even the country to do some volunteer work so he could see how fortunate he was.  I considered sending him to live with my parents to finish his junior year.  I remember telling (or yelling at) him, “Let them see you fail because I can’t stand around and watch it.”  After talking to his advisor at a parent-conference I decided to give him another chance, and he did it.  He pulled his weight and ended up doing quite well his senior year.

All in all, I cannot express how proud I am of my son. Not just for graduating from high school (an accomplishment I never fulfilled) and not just for going to college, but for being a wonderful human being.

Bryon, I am honored, absolutely honored, that God chose me to be your mother.  I love you honey!

This is the last of the Mum’s the Word series on Oomphalos, and after reading about what it means to several different mums/moms – from around the world, including London, Chicago, Los Angeles, Lima, and Dubai  – who have children ranging in age from toddlers to adults, I wanted to save these two mothers for last. 

Both of these mums are very special to me for different reasons.  The first mother – my sister – is the most amazing mother.  She has devoted herself entirely to being there for her two teenage girls, and the girls know it.  I can’t imagine anything she wouldn’t do for them.  

The second mother, whom I met at a mums and babies yoga class, is one of my greatest friends and is always there for me and my son.  Prior to my little prince and I taking an extended trip to the US, she asked our friends to contribute photos of themselves and their little ones so she could create a book for us to take with us.  This book means the world to me, and love pours out of it every time I open it.  

And when my son was in the hospital recently, she called and texted at least once every hour to check on us.  She brought us toys, food, enough chocolates to last a lifetime (or at least three weeks with my addiction to the cocoa bean), an iPad and heartwarming words in cards.  A few weeks later, she helped organise a surprise dinner for me to pay tribute to my strength and optimism during my son’s time in the hospital.  There we were – more than a dozen girlfriends – celebrating being mothers, laughing and perhaps drinking a bit too much wine.  As I sat next to her, watching her smile at her craftiness in organising this fête, I could only think of how lucky we all are to have her in our lives.  Her daughter Carmen is so fortunate to have her for a mother, as is the little fella in her belly.

Kim

Being a mother means absolutely everything to me.  I know that probably sounds too simple.  But, it kind of is that simple to me.  There isn’t one thing in this entire world that matters more to me than having the privilege of being the mother to Anessa and Cameryn.  I consider it an honor to be called their mom.

Arancha

I find so hard to tell you in words what being the “mami” of Carmen means to me.  She is my happiness, my spirit that always fights against any small adversity that happens on a daily basis at work or outside work.  Spending time with her before and after work and during weekends is the most rewarding part of my life right now, as well as spending time with my husband who is always with us and luckily he enjoys her as much as I do. 

I realise now that you only know how to be a mother after your baby is born.  I had to learn how to feed her in so many ways depending on her stage of growth, look after her when she got sick, put her to bed when she was tired, sing to her, play with her, laugh with her, be away from her, to comfort her when she was hurt or was feeling upset, learn how be patient in those times when tantrums were putting me at the limit, be there for her no matter that it was the middle of the night and sacrifice so many little things I always took for granted before she came to our world.

It is difficult to be a “mama” and you do not know how difficult it is until you try and find your own balance that makes everyone in the family happy.  Being organised with myself and also with Carmen has been the greatest challenge. I could not do it without the help of my husband and of our greatest helpers, Nancy. 

Being a good mother, a good spouse and still keeping a full-time job has been tough at times in London without our families nearby and especially when Carmen had to be admitted to hospital when she was only 18 months.  I am not sure if I could go through an experience like that again but the truth is that experience as a mother makes you stronger too and that is something that our children give us without us really noticing. Carmen has made me a lot stronger.  Even when she had an almost 40°C temperature and I wanted to cry, I did not because I did not want her to see me sad.  Carmen has seen me crying once in almost four years.  I always try to protect her but at the same time I do not want her to live in a bubble and think that I am always going to be there next to her.  Life can be cruel at times and puts us in unpleasant situations.  I want her to be strong and mature so she can grow with good values, and I try to be the best role model for her.  Thanks Carmen for making me smile every day.  Love you so much.

Jolène

My world has undergone tremendous, monumental earth-shaking changes since having my little Lily; mainly, my attention shifted from what I saw in the mirror to another being.

My deepest awareness of what it means to be a mother is to provide non-judgmental love and support to another human being, allowing their individuality to shine, encouraging them to find strength and knowingness in who they are.  This, I believed would only come from dad and I, but Lily has taught me that she too provides this.  Where I believed I was teaching Lily to grow, she, in truth has taught me to grow.  There is an infinite circle of expansion in our relationship.  She teaches me, as long as I remain open, to see beyond that which I know, to reach inside of myself and pull out all that I am.

Being a mother to Lily has taught me that there is more to me, more to love, more to trust, more to everything.  She supports and encourages me and definitely allows me to be me.

Above all, Lily continues to remind me to play, to explore, and to dance around all that life has to offer.

Sarah

The best moments for me as a mum are when I see my children laugh out of sheer pleasure, and of course the phrases “mummy I love you” and “mummy can I have a kiss and a cuddle”.

Lisa

As my four-and-a-half year old superhero ninja boy in training insists he can leap from Nelson’s Column monument in Trafalgar square and land safely on the concrete below, I am caught up once again in the never-ending challenges and dilemmas of being a MOM.  Knowing when to protect my fearless fledgling from harm and when to let him spread his emerging freedom and experience fulfillment and growth on his own terms.  This quandary proves to be the biggest test of the tasks I must either embrace or be shackled to as a caring and conscientious ubermom.  Erring on the side of caution is often the position I take, but then it occurs to me that I could be stunting my boy’s abilities, instilling doubts and insecurities, and encouraging a fear based approach to life.  Do I want to pass on foibles, which might have kept me from reaching heights and conquering incredible feats had they not been ixnayed in the bud?  Caught up in this process of introspection and spiritual growth, life lessons abound.  This profound adoration I feel, this ultimate sense of responsibility, this endlessly inspiring endowment of being given the opportunity and honor to care for the soul of another, comes with the biggest challenges and yet the most ginormous reward ever: true love!

Grace

I dreamed of the day when I could look at a child with the love and warmth that only a mother could posses.  I can say that motherhood has brought me the greatest joys and the most devastating disappointments.  I have cried many nights, and stayed up even more, but at the end of it all I know that it was worth every laughter and every painful moment of my motherhood.  I cannot pretend to be a great mom, but thank God for great kids!

Anna

Every day, it’s a reminder of my lost right to being vulnerable.  I feel like a lioness who hunts and makes sure that the cubs are fed, safe and that, through playfulness, learn the skills for their future hunts and life in the world out there.  I am carefully scrutinised by three small human beings – the way I talk, the way I carry myself, the way I hold my knife and fork, all is absorbed and mimicked. 

I can’t swim and every time my kids are near a pond, in a nanosecond I have already acknowledged to myself that I would jump no question, which is a really dumb thing.  Best if my friend Mandy gets in, she knows how to handle the water better than me.  Why don’t I just learn how to swim?  Lack of time is the answer.  That’s another thing that rules my life as a mother – I have no time anymore!

You try to teach a person how to walk, not to pick the nose, how to use the potty, how to evaluate risks when jumping from a slide, not to steal raisins from other people’s buggies, sharing, kindness, how to have a bad day and still be happy, help those who need, how to be a trustworthy friend and partner, integrity, and that’s pretty much it for the day, so no surprise if I sleepwalk by the time it is 8pm.  This is a job of titanic proportions, it tests your abilities and your limits relentlessly.  And, yet, it’s all diffused into a bubble when I watch the kids (not just mine) grow in front of my eyes.  I see them smile, and I feel reconnected to Mother Earth and feel happy for having added my three bundles of happy molecules into the biological chain of life.

Sandra

There are so many words to describe what it means to be a mother, but the first thing that struck me was that everything suddenly made sense.  All the previous analysing, and over-analysing or stresses of before suddenly disappeared and seemed petty and insignificant in comparison and everything just fell into place.  The unconditional love I felt was easy, the overwhelming protection I felt was scary (I suddenly realised I was capble of murder if anyone harmed my child!) and the sense of incredible achievement –  ’ We made this perfect being’.  And although it isn’t easy from an emotional perspective (constantly worrying if they are sick or if they will come to harm, if you are doing the best for them, etc), there is nothing like creating a little human and nurturing them, loving them and trying to give them the best tools and values to be the best they can be, whilst allowing them to live their dreams and not yours.  It is the epitome of love and happiness.

In the lead up to Mother’s Day in the UK, the Mum’s the Word series on Oomphalos continues, and today two mothers – one of a toddler boy and one of a toddler girl – tell what it means to them to be a mother:

Alessandra

A Saturday morning my little boy wakes up very early as usual, he comes and seeks mommy and daddy and starts waking us up with his sounds that say he is willing to start the day, to play and to have all his demands covered by these two tired adults who only wish to sleep a little longer, but Julian rules the house, and he does his tricks and gets what he wants.  This special morning he woke up feeling really ‘arty’ and got his hands full of the white cream we use to avoid diaper rash.  First we didn’t notice, but after a few minutes of complete silence – always suspicious when it comes to him – I woke up and found him covering the mirror full of prints of his little hands, ‘fingerpainting’ that’s it! My first reaction was going to be a negative one: telling him he shouldn’t touch the cream to do this and ask him to clean the mirror with my help immediately, but after a few seconds of watching his pleasure at what he had done, I recognized the satisfaction he was obtaining from the activity he had started without help and without anyone one saying or suggesting he should do it.  Luckily I was able to recognize he had done something special, and I had my camera and my tripod right there.  And even though I had just woken up, I was able to set up all my equipment to obtain this image which I consider a real piece of art and love it to bits….

Tina

Being a mother has changed my life so drastically I could never have imagined.  It has given my life a different dimension and a different perspective.  Being a mum fills me with endless joy, getting a smile, a kiss brightens my life and cheers me up.  I feel more fulfilled as a person and I often wonder how boring and depthless my life would have been without her.  I have explored different sides of myself, I have found creativity and resourcefulness that I never knew existed, I have been challenged and surprised myself.  I do, however, at times feel frustrated that I cannot do everything I want and that my freedom is limited.  But I wouldn’t change it for anything.  Life without her would be pointless and would have no meaning.  I am so very lucky to be a mum and have such a special person in my life. 

What does it mean to you to be a mother or to have a mother?

In the lead up to Mother’s Day in the UK, the Mum’s the Word series on Oomphalos continues, and today two mothers – one of grown daughters and one of a young child – tell what it means to them to be a mother:

Bev

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs).  This has certainly proved to be the case in my experience.  When my two daughters were young, I tried to make learning fun and made a great effort to expose them to different peoples and cultures–quiet story times at night, traveling with them to Asia for two months when they were 10 and 12, frequenting museums when they were old enough to appreciate it, taking them on Thanksgiving to feed the homeless.  At the time, I often wondered if any of this was sinking in and if so, what form it would eventually take.  Well, it all seems to have “stuck” in some way.  My oldest daughter Julie, age 32, is now a professor in International Studies, specializing in international immigration issues.  Her greatest joy is in teaching such a multi-cultural student body.  Karen, age 29, has traveled extensively throughout the developing world, including living in Istanbul for a summer to learn Turkish, and working for Save the Children in Azerbaijan for several months.  She is now an investigative reporter working for BusinessWeek magazine.  They’re both passionate about what they do, are on a constant quest for knowledge, and have a strong appreciation for different peoples, cultures, religions and backgrounds.  As a mom, it’s a pleasure to know that values have been transmitted and I can now sit back and see what amazing things they’ll be up to next.

"Sand Dance Mother and Child" © Daniel Johnson

Pinar

Becoming a mother is like being given a professional dancer role overnight.  It is an overnight transformation of a woman with an overwhelming feeling of knowing that from then on she will be expected to dance all her life and to give her best performance, come what may.  Being new to this concept, a new mother will try to give a perfect performance because she will think the dance will not be possible otherwise.  So she will go through a period of practice, pain, tears, dissappointments in herself, brutal self criticisms and falls.  It is only when she discovers to trust herself, her intuition, that she starts to know what dancing is all about.  She will somehow learn to tune into her partner in dance who is her child.  Then she will stop trying not to step on her partner’s feet and just step.  She will stop trying to direct her partner’s moves according to her, but just go with the flow.  She will stop trying to learn to dance and just dance.  Then the dance will be like the dance of the sun and the moon; the ebb and the flow; the sand and the waves; or the wind and the kite.  Once she learns how to tune into her partner in dance she learns to be in the moment with her child.  Then, when they start dancing together, they do this magical thing of flying, by melting together into the music that is called life.

What does it mean to you to be a mother or to have a mother?

The mother of a four-year-old tells what it means to her to be a mother:

1.  Truly experiencing joy

2.  Being woken up at four in the morning to a little body climbing into our bed and snuggling his way next to me

3.  Becoming an expert at building boats, fighter jets, and trains out of Lego

4.  Skipping down the sidewalk and jumping over cracks to encourage the pace of our journey home

5.  Falling in love with someone who cried and pee’d on me the first time I met him

6.  Feeling my heart break at my little one’s pain and suffering

7.  Rarely leaving the flat without forgetting something

8.  Having a little buddy with whom to share life’s amazing moments

9.  Taking 20 minutes to walk one block in order to follow the journey of an ant

10.  Multitasking every minute of every day and not accomplishing much at all

11.  Being considered a source of endless entertainment

12.  Comforting my sick one while his vomit slowly rolls down my neck and back and fighting the urge to put him down and clean myself off immediately

13.  Being a teacher for life…and someday, when he’s grown up and learned what he needs to learn from a parent, becoming a friend as well

14.  Having an excuse to watch Disney DVDs

15.  Laughing and giggling every day about nothing in particular

16.  Using my imagination to create things I never knew I could create, such as a sword out of aluminum foil, wrapping paper and toilet paper rolls

17.  Building an elaborate fort out of our dining room table, couch cushions, and duvets…and then falling asleep together while reading books in it

18.  Letting things go

19.  Going out in the rain with umbrellas and wellies, in search of the best muddy puddles in which to jump and splash

20.  Constantly locking myself out

21.  Calling my bank to cancel my lost credit card, feeling a tug on my hand just as I hang up the phone, and seeing my son lift the carpet to show me where he put it

22.  Having inside jokes that no one else gets

23.  Crawling into a cardboard box that magically becomes a pirate ship

24.  Learning how to make balloon animals

25.  Carrying an overfilled backpack on the airplane with absolutely nothing in it for me, except for my passport

26.  Getting to read all my favorite children’s books again and again…and again

27.  Taking time to play in the daffodils

28.  Having a sous chef all the time, albeit a bit of a messy one

29.  Loving a little being with all my heart and soul…and being loved back

What does being a mother mean to you?

Michele

Ameerah

What does it mean to me to be a mother?  There is a Sophocles quote I read when I became a mother that has stayed with me:  “Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.”  Of course, there are different ways to interpret the quote, but for me it means that when my son was born, I was really born.  My son has given me life; he has given me something to hold and, simultaneously, something to let go.

With UK Mother’s Day right around the corner, I was eager to ask a group of mothers what being a mum/mom means to them.  Over the next two weeks on Oomphalos, I encourage you to check in to read their responses.

Liz (aka my mom)

A jumbled mass of confusion, stress, gratefulness, little unspoken moments and being outside of yourself infused in love.

Valerie Michelle

Being a mom is an amazing journey filled with everything I love in this world.  Being a mom is to see the smile on their faces when something great happens.  Being a mom is to be there for them when their hearts are broken.  It’s to laugh hysterically about nothing for hours on end.  Being a mom is love.  It’s jokes and sincere heart-filled joy.  Watching them grow into really awesome human beings; jumping up and down like a kid yourself because you’re so proud of the humans they have become.  There really is no word that can describe the feeling one has inside.  It would be like trying to describe the beauty of the ocean.  It really is much more than words can say.  It is a feeling.  It isn’t about how much money you have in your pocket or how many toys you can give them to see them smile.  It is the moments, the expressions, the experiences, the comfort of love, the funny stories, the hard times and their funny ways of being who they are that make life so amazing.  It is about seeing someone for who they really are…bad, good, scared, happy, alive, and loving them unconditionally.  It’s about always putting forward your best for them.  Doing everything in your body, heart and soul to make sure they are safe and happy and living a rich life.  And by rich I don’t mean material things, I mean rich in spirit.  Being a mom is happiness, faith, love and life!!!